inadequate

[taken from my dA page]

after some soul searching today as i lay in bed this afternoon, i realized the source of my occasional drops of energy- the type that have, on occasion, reduced me to tears.

i feel inadequate.

and i'd like to say that it only comes from the art side, but no- i truly feel inadequate at times, about anything at all.
i look at the works of my peers and feel inadequate about my own skills. i try my hardest to improve myself in my diligence, in completing projects, and practicing the areas where i stumble. but it almost always seems that despite my best efforts, i never seem to make significant progress in the eyes of those who matter [namely, my teachers]. they still manage to deflate what little pride i manage to scrape for myself, and it gets hard to sometimes even want to continue down this path. the same type of feeling pops up whenever i consider applying for a college- in my mind's eye i see denials and rejections, and i start to feel hopeless again. sometimes it's all i can do to hush such negative thoughts.

the same goes whenever a family row ensues, and it's almost always made to be my fault. my flaws are picked at mercilessly by my parents and i feel as if i'm a useless excuse of a daughter.. that all i can do and say is nonsense and folly, and that all seems to take precedence in their judgment of my character. i know that i can't expect gold stars and smiles every time i accomplish something, but my god- is it that hard to take my accomplishments and leave them there? is it truly necessary to take everything i do and turn it into a lecture of my faults?

*sigh*

i don't know how useful it is for me to write this all out, i mean, it's not really going to stop these thoughts from reoccurring, but i guess now i know what it is and i can say it now.