just some venting

sometimes i forget that this place acts as a way for me to vent out my petty [and possibly not-so-petty] frustrations.  leaving things inside to fester is never healthy.  and honestly?  as of late, i feel like despite everything that's going for me right now, i feel like someone's pulling at my seams and trying to make me come undone.

so consider this your warning for what may come across as immature whining but at this point i don't give a fuck anymore.  think what you want.


firstly, a lot of it results from the stress of application deadlines.  triple-checking documents and dates and ensuring everything's in on time is stressful enough, but when it's on top of the nagging, scolding and yelling of parents who have the 'my way or the highway' mentality?  it can drive the most patient person up the wall, so imagine my state of mind right now.  i can't even take the initiative anymore with gathering my information and fitting my own schedule -something that worked out beautifully with my portfolio, by the way- because let not one date or price tag be missing from my head or not written down, and i'm the fucking idiot who doesn't give a rat's ass about her future.

gee, thanks a lot, mother dearest.


when the issue of a loan came up, i was immediately scolded for suggesting that LCAD come back into the picture instead of just counting on Emily Carr.  what for?  yea it was my first choice, i'm not gonna just shake it off that easily.  and if you're willing to take a loan for the cheapest school , surely at least CONSIDERING the loan for the second-cheapest school should be at least doable?  at least consider it!  if it doesn't work out outside of that phase, that's understandable then.  at least you cared enough to fucking look, goddammit.

[slight tangent- and considering the horrendously short time to submit everything in to Emily Carr, you'd think that having a back-up college would make sense.  why does that have to be such an issue?]

since we're on the issue of money, let's move to the next weight on my mind.  mum wants me to work for my laptop expenses and any extra money i can use while away.  that's fine with me.  my current machine is a piece of crap with a dead screen, and i don't mind working for it.  so of all of the places for me to work.... you send me to the place that nearly drove me to a state of emotional and mental disarray and madness the last time i worked there?  really now?!  on top of everything else, you think that's wise?!

...of course you do.  because you couldn't care less that i'm feeling the pressure of all of this now in my own way.  because i've always been so good, so clever at rotating the masks of happiness, docility and obedience whenever i needed, that the moment i start to genuinely crack, you scoff that i'm being immature and tell me to grow up.  instead i try to vent it out to possibly the only person who can help me calm down, but instead i feel like he's complaining about me and my 'sudden immaturity' behind my back.  the urge to be validated and needing to be justified is screaming out from within me, and all i want is just someone to simply understand.  to just back off for a minute for me to clear my thoughts, to let me scream out once in a while for me to catch myself, and not be chastised for being fallible- for being simply human.  for once.

somehow, that's looking like such a hard thing to ask.